Friday, 29 August 2014

The Chronicles of House Lannister - The Imp, the Cripple and the Mother of Madness

Jamie Lannister's Valyrian steel needed no whetstone. The blade was accustomed to sharpening itself whilst slicing through skin, flesh, tendon and bone in one single stroke. But what good was steel to a man with no sword hand? The man who had sworn to be the King's guard and eradicate every enemy of the throne was now sitting near the stairway, with only five fingers to count.

"I don't have my right hand, but at least I'm not Theon Greyjoy!" he winced, thanking his stars for not having met Ramsey Bolton. He continued drifting into sleep, whispering "Cercei. Cercei," as he imagined the pleasures that he could continue to experience with his left hand.

Tyrion walks in, feeling faint and squeamish as he discovers Joffrey's love for violence against anything that moves. He looks at his amputee brother and squeals "Winter in coming, but that doesn't mean you need to as well!" as he brushes off images of his naked medusa-headed blonde-haired evil sister making love to his brother.

"By the Gods of the 7 Kingdoms, Jamie, you can't possibly tell me you still want her! Incest breeds vermin. With the release of Joffrey from your loins, you very well know that science doesnt need to evolve and prove that you shouldn't engage in coitus with your twin!"

Cercei enters with a scroll, beaming and mocking Tyrion, knowing full well that she was holding King Robert Baratheon's Will between her fingers. She cracks open the wax seal and sits there with raised expectations.

To My Lady,

I, Robert of the House Baratheon, know that you, Cercei Lannister, My Queen, have served me well. The wine on my lips curbs me from running around circles, so I'll be brief.

In your time here at King's Landing, you have tried many things.

Gore. Check.
Gore whilst having sex. Check. check.
Sex with me. Check.
Sex with twin brother. Check.
Sex with other Lannisters. Check. Check.
Blond children. Check. Check. Check.
Ordered mercenaries to kill enemies. Check.
King dead. Check.
Ned Stark dead. Check.
Joffrey dead. Check.
Tywin dead. Check.
Valar Morghulis. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check.

Plot twist - You can fuck and kill anyone you want Cercei, but the Emmy still goes to the Imp.

You therefore inherit 10 Gold Dragon coins, to enable you to enroll in the best acting class at Westeros.

Signed without sarcasm,
Your Dead Husband

*For 3WW


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